Avatard Porn

I just have to get this off my chest. But let me be straight with you: I enjoyed Avatar but on the same level that I enjoyed Transformers. Visually, it was amazing (just like Megan Fox…okay, that’s a stretch) but story-wise, the story was completely predictable. I know. You know. We know. It’s been argued and discussed since the movie was released last month, and I still haven’t changed my mind. No, I am not some bitter, heartless idiot who hates everything mainstream, because that’s far from the truth. (Proof: my current favorite song is still Miley’s Party in the USA.)

Anyway, last week they released the deleted sex scene from Avatar, where Kevin Costner Sully and Pocahontas Neytiri finally get it on in the fluorescent day-glo blossom forest of whatever.

After the usual super cheesy lines between Jack and Rose the blue people, the following happens:

Neytiri takes the end of her queue and raises it. Jake does the same, with trembling anticipation. The tendrils at the ends move with a life of their own, straining to be joined.

MACRO SHOT — The tendrils INTERTWINE with gentle undulations.

JAKE rocks with the direct contact between his nervous system and hers. The ultimate intimacy.

They come together into a kiss and sink down on the bed of moss, and ripples of light spread out around them.

Okay, cool. So that’s how the Smurfs Na’vi get it on, right? BUT HOLD UP.

Are you telling me that they are using the same ponytail tendrils they use to connect with the six legged horses and the pterodactyls? THIS is how they make babies? So that mental connection they carry with their animals is the same mental connection they use between each other?

THAT’S DISGUSTING. Do they wash these tendrils at least? Are there tendril condoms to use? I mean, seriously. I don’t know about you, but if some guy came up to me and was like “Dude, let’s mate for life,” the first thing I’d ask him would be how he got to me in the first place.  Six-legged horse or pterodactyls? If he says he walked, then sure. Let’s entwine hair braids and get it on. But no way is my ponytail getting near something that you just tangled up with an animal. That’s like some guy…Eww, gross. I won’t even try to make a comparison.

ALSO, is that where Na’vi babies come from? How come no one can answer that question?

This movie is so stupid. ARGH. Anyway, thanks for listening. I feel so much better now.