ASIAN BABIES

Have you ever had a big YESSS! moment while sitting on your flat butt watching all the shows you’ve accumulated on your DVR? Yes? No? I kind of had that moment this weekend while watching the last episode of Funny or Die Presents. I was really excited to see the headline “ASIAN BABIES” in the episode description and to my joy, it was Mike O’Connell’s music video ode to the amazing-ness of Asian babies.

I think the fact that one day I will have my own is what gives me the will to live. Okay, that sounds really lame so maybe I should rephrase that. I think the fact that one day I will have an Asian baby poop out of my vagina gives me much excitement–wait, not the pooping out of the vagina part. That part kind of scares me. I’m just excited to know that my baby is naturally going to be fat and cute, while comedians like O’Connell are going to writhe in jealousy (though I will allow everyone to play with it).

I must say that I’m a bit disappointed, though, that because my future fat baby will be half Asian, they will not have the nice yellow Asian earwax. It’s a unique DNA trait, you use, which means that the gross wet earwax is the “default” type, which means that unless both parents have the dry earwax gene, their children will have weird wet goop coming out of their ear. This leads me to conclude that because B has gross wet earwax, my future fat baby will never enjoy the wonders of his (or her) ears being cleaned and scratched as I did with my Japanese mommy, which means I will never be able to enjoy this motherly duty, as so nicely described here. That thought alone makes me lose the will to live. I’m exaggerating.

Speaking of babies, thanks Facebook, for giving me this ad. I already know that’s exactly what my future fat baby is going to look like, so there’s no need for me to click on that link. You just lost out on $0.002 in revenue.