Opened Door Policy

I have a problem. It’s a neighborly one. No, no one is bothering me for a cup of sugar or throwing their trash into our yard. This is a door problem and our new neighbor can’t seem to keep her door closed. Thankfully, she doesn’t live in the same building; she’s in the small quaint complex on the other side of the wall. She’s also in the tiniest little apartment I’ve ever seen, so I kind of feel bad for her, because how could anyone live in that tiny box?

I guess she comforts herself by keeping her front door open, whether she’s just watching television, watching the Laker game or chatting with her friends over the phone.

Here’s why I have a problem: the door is always open. She’s loud to begin with, but that’s fine. So am I. Have you heard me snore? Yeah, exactly. But I snore with the door closed, the windows shut and the curtains drawn. I make sure I have a wall stuffed with noise absorbing insulation and a layer of bricks between myself and the rest of humanity before I snore (unless you’re my husband).

This girl, on the other hand, believes that having the door open is just the same as having the door shut. I can resign myself to hearing her loud phone conversations about guys and work, and sure, this means I can see into her tiny studio apartment every time I look out the living room window…but wouldn’t any sane person draw the line at sex?

Apparently not neighbor girl–who I’ve dubbed as the Butt Sex Neighbor Girl, because of one unfortunate night when she decided to have loud doggy-style sex with some guy (possibly not her boyfriend, because I don’t think I’ve seen or heard him around since) WITH THE DOOR OPEN. This is in a one-room apartment, mind you, whose doorway is less than 20 feet away from my living room.

Oh,the lights were on, too.

Now that I’ve been traumatized with seeing this guy’s butt, their genitals and post-coital embrace (FYI, it didn’t take him that long), I feel like Butt Sex Neighbor Girl has crossed the line. You know, the Neighbor Line that lies between you and the people you share a space with that keeps everything in orderly fashion: you share garbage cans, you don’t throw your trash on their lawn, you sometimes exchange tomatoes and herbs grown in the backyard and you hold the door open for them. You also do not have loud butt sex in front of your open front door with the lights on.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think she’s realized that the line has been crossed, and someone [me] has to tell her about it. Since I don’t really know her name but I do know that I NEVER WANT TO SEE HER HAVE BUTT SEX AGAIN, I’ve come to these options:

• Yell at her over the fence when I see her next time and she’s having butt sex with the front door open.
• Tape a sign to my living room window that says “PLEASE KEEP YOUR DOOR SHUT BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOU HAVE SEX.”
• Write a note that says “PLEASE KEEP YOUR DOOR SHUT BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOUR NAUGHTY BITS” and leave it on her porch.
• Write that note, wrap it around a rock and throw it through her open front door.
• Just throw a rock through her open front door.
• Turn the garden hose on and aim it at her open front door while screaming, “PLEASE KEEP YOUR DOOR SHUT BECAUSE I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR VAGINA EVER AGAIN!”
• Turn the garden hose on and aim it through her open front door, and then run.
• Wait until that guy returns, record everything on my phone and upload to YouTube.
• Passive aggressively blog about it and then go about my life.

Hmm…which one will take the least amount of effort? I think I’ll stick with the last one.