Rules of the Universe

People need to listen to me more. Not only am I always right about everything (especially when it comes to bananas and squirrels), but I always know what’s right for other people. The reason why things are sometimes crappy in this world is because no one listens to me and does what and how I want them to. So I thought knew it would be best if I just wrote these all down for you guys to read and follow. Here are my Rules of the Universe.

1. Do not sit, hang out, stretch or check your email on your BlackBerry while in the gym locker room. It makes other people around you uncomfortable, especially because they’re trying to change and get naked and stuff, and you’re just sitting there like a weird stalker.
2. When making a turn in your car, put your blinker signal on at least 30 seconds before you reach the intersection. Turning it on right before you turn is a total cop-out and will be punishable by death.
3. The egg came before the chicken, because dinosaurs laid eggs before chickens even existed. THINK ABOUT IT.
4. Being a mayor of some location on Foursquare is meaningless. There are better things in life to focus on. However, if you keep trying to steal a mayorship from me, I will cut your face.
5. Whining never works. Asking for something repeatedly does.
6. Steak and hamburgers should be cooked medium rare.
7. Liking your own Facebook status is worse than attending a band’s concert while wearing their T-shirt. Don’t do it.
8. Not knowing the difference between “your” and “you’re” gives everyone else the permission to judge you harshly.
9. Always double-check the toilet after you flush.
10. Commas splices are against the law.
11. American cheese is delicious.