Movies According To Me

I share very different tastes in movies with B but I’m okay with it, because we share the same opposing ideas when it comes to books. He hates reading and I’d rather sit down for hours with a book while the thought of sitting for two hours to watch round after round of films makes me want to fall asleep. I’m not saying I hate movies, because I do enjoy them, just like how B enjoys literature even though it’s very rare for him to finish one whole book in less than a year (or just finish one in general). There just happens to be a lot of times when I’d rather sleep or eat cookies than watch a movie.

This disparity in movie tastes is more than just about watching them: B likes to watch the weirdest thing ever. I’d be totally okay if he wanted to catch Transformers 2 or TRON: Legacy in theaters (okay wait, maybe not Transformers) because I enjoy the mindless, big budget entertainment. But nope, he likes the artistic, independent, foreign and classic films. You know, the kinds that get a 95% rating on Rotten Tomatoes but make absolutely no sense, or the ones that are super disturbing and won’t let you sleep at night because you’re wondering WTF just happened. I know you know what kind of movies I’m talking about, where happy endings don’t exist and people commit a lot of incest. At least, that’s what it seems like.

Don’t worry, though, because we compromise in bed. And I don’t mean sexually. EWWW. I mean, we sit on the bed so he can watch his pick from his endless Netflix streaming list while I try to block out the noise and finish a library book. Of course, it’s all very distracting so I end up asking lots of questions and then getting confused, make snarky comments, occasionally repeat the funny lines aloud a lot or even do impressions next to the television, especially if they do weird dances like in Dogtooth. Yes, I am the best movie companion EVER.

Anyway, thanks to this moving/reading arrangement, I’ve compiled a serious knowledge of independent non-Michael Bay-related cinema which helps me participate in conversations with artsy-fartsy friends. Here’s what I’ve seen so far, as summarized by what I distractedly witnessed between turning the pages of my book.

In A Year of 13 Moons: This movie is really weird because there’s this guy who’s dressed like a lady and gets beat up in the park. Then he goes to a slaughterhouse where they are killing cows. Then it gets weirder so I stopped watching.

1900: This was like the longest movie ever. Robert DeNiro is in it and he’s really young. Some boy accidentally gets killed and there’s a really mean lady in it and they all speak Italian or something?

Happy Together: Two Asian guys are like boyfriend-boyfriend in some South American country. It’s shot really cool like on a Hipstamatic camera but one of the guys wears bandages on his hands. Also, the movie says it’s about two guys but it’s actually about THREE guys, which made me so confused because I couldn’t tell any of them apart. Also, I am racist against Asians.

Dogtooth: This is a weird movie about a mean dad who won’t let his kids go anywhere. Something happens and the dad gets mad and beats up some girl, and then the son has sex with his sister. Ewww. Then the two sisters do really weird dances during a party, and then the younger sister hides in the trunk of the car while the dad goes to work…I think.

A Serbian Film: This is a weird movie that I wasn’t allowed to see but I later saw the gross trailer and read the plot on Wikipedia. It’s about this guy who has sex with lots of gross things. YUCK.

Afterschool: This is a weird movie about a weird kid in a boarding school and he likes to watch things on the Internet. And something happens with some other schoolgirls or something. He also likes to choke girls.

Graveyard of Honor: This movie is definitely weird because it’s directed by Takashi Miike. It’s about this really mean yakuza guy who likes to do mean things like molest women and stab guys. I hate gangster movies so I don’t even care to know what happened.

Tokyo Drifter: Like I said, I’m not a big fan of yakuza movies but this one was kind of cool because it starts off in black and white, and then goes into color and it was filmed a long time ago. There’s this guy and he’s in the yakuza and in one scene, they go to the club and dance all funny because it was filmed a long time ago. I like funny dancing scenes in movies.

Fish Tank: I thought this wasn’t going to be a weird movie because it was about a British girl who was like, all urban and stuff, and she wanted to be a dancer so I was waiting for this to turn into Step Up 3D but it didn’t because nothing else happened. There was also a lot of sex.

Enter the Void: OMG Weirdest movie ever. It’s like, filmed from the sky and one part, you fly around a love hotel so you just see a bunch of Japanese people having sex. GROSSSSS.

That’s all I can remember for now. If anyone wants me to do an impression of the dance scene in Dogtooth, just holler. I think it’s one of the most hilarious things I’ve seen.

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  1. this is like the best list ever! thanks!

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    1. yeah, a movie list to NOT watch. :)

      Reply

    2. I’m going to totally Netfilx all those movies, well not the ones that are really old, and maybe not the one about the Serbian guy, and not the one with the Japanese people having sex, and not the one with 3 Asian guys.

      Reply

      1. Why watch them when you already know what’s going to happen, thanks to me? :)

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      2. I haven’t seen A Serbian Film yet, but it’s supposed to be one of the “most horrifying” movies ever. There should almost be a disclaimer next to your link. :)

        Don’t forget Salo
        http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073650/
        Another one I haven’t seen yet, but I have known about it for years. One of those films you have to be “ready” for adn it’s from ’75.

        Reply

      3. I’m not sure, but my really good context clue skills tell me that these were weird movies.

        Reply

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