Not-So-Giant Baking Adventures: Heart Cake (AKA Stupid Cake)

Heart Cake Baking
This post is really, really, really late. I’m sorry. Yeah, I know. Lisa and I baked this like a month ago but LISTEN, I’ve been BUSY so LEAVE ME ALONE. Plus, this baking endeavor was really tiring and it kind of made me hate every recipe that called for some cutesy twist, which led to my current stagnant bitterness over anything heart or baking related. Unfortunately, this has not affected the amount of baked goods I consume every week.

Back to the Giant Baking. Since Lisa and I have officially run out of ideas (or HAD….wait until you see what we’ve got in store next *cue dramatic music*), we decided to continue with the theme of baking-things-inside-of-things. We weren’t pleased with how the Oreo stuffed chocolate chip cookies turned out, but what about a heart shaped cake baked inside a regular cake? OMG SO CUTE.

Yeah, that’s now how we felt about a third of the way through. We’re renaming this recipe was “stupid cake” because of the insane number of steps, the errors in the recipes we used (people, there’s a big difference between baking soda and baking powder so please don’t confuse the two), the number of times we actually had to touch the cakes (and I have this weird thing where I don’t really like to touch food unless it’s putting a donut in my mouth) and the fact that we had to put parts of this cake in the freezer a billion times.

Seriously. If your recipe calls for putting parts of the final product inside the freezer, it is not longer considered “baking.” It is called “freezing” and therefore, should be relegated to hobbies that involve like making popsicles, ice cream or storing dead bodies.

Okay, I’ll stop complaining. Let’s go.

Heart Cake Baking

These are all the ingredients that it took to make Stupid Cake. See, Stupid Cake really consists of two stupid cakes: one four layer white cake and one red velvet cake. That’s really like three cakes total. WTF. WHY DID WE DO THIS?

Heart Cake Baking

This is Lisa separating the eggs whites from the yolk. Duh. You can tell from the picture. I’m only posting this because I thought the photo came out really nice. And NO, that is not a box of cake mix next to her. That’s a box of cake flour, which is apparently different than regular flour, which apparently you need to bake stupid cakes.

Heart Cake Baking

This was honestly the whitest cake we’ve ever baked–and I don’t mean that it likes to watch old episodes of Friends, shop at the organic Farmer’s Market and whatever white people like to do (let me go ask B) but this batter was completely devoid of any sort of color. Weird.

Heart Cake Baking

So while the white cakes were baking, we whipped up a batch of red velvet cake–which apparently is even more complicated than baking a cake completely devoid of any color. We had to add buttermilk and weird stuff and eggs and red food coloring…Ugh. Stupid cake is already stupid at this point.

Heart Cake Baking

Oh, look. The white cakes are done. Look at them, silently judging you based on the color of your skin! (Just kidding. I know white people don’t always do that.)

Heart Cake Baking

Holy crap, look at how red that batter is! It totally matches my KitchenAid mixer. It’s almost as if I planned this matching outfits thing when I first got the mixer years ago for my birthday.

Heart Cake Baking

When you get red batter everywhere, Lisa is bound to do something morbid…like pretend to slice her finger open. Oh, Lisa.

Heart Cake Baking

This is a metal bowl that once held red velvet batter.

Heart Cake Baking

Look at the mess! Reason #45 of why this stupid cake is stupid!

Heart Cake Baking

So…anyway, here’s the red velvet cake. We just baked this in a regular ol’ 13 x 9 baking pan because we later had to crumble it up with some icing to create the “heart” center of the cake. I don’t remember if that was my dragon claw hand or Lisa’s. Either way, dragon claws are awesome.

Heart Cake Baking

Then, we sliced the white cakes in half to create the layers–after putting them in the freezer, of course. This made slicing really easy and the cake got all stiff, which is why Lisa is holding one piece in such a nonchalant way. Oh, Lisa.

Heart Cake Baking

This is me showing how my face is round as a cake.

Heart Cake Baking

After frosting the cakes back together, we carefully used our tools (a toothpick and some twine) to mark out the areas we were going to carve out for our heart shape.

Heart Cake Baking

This was really hard. This is the bottom of the heart.

Heart Cake Baking

This is the top part of the heart. Lisa did this one. That’s why it looks so messy. (OH SNAP!)

Heart Cake Baking

Then we took our crumbled red velvet cake and piled them into the cake holes. Or whatever you call them. Stupid holes. That’s it.

Heart Cake Baking

See, this is another reason why this recipe was dumb. All that baking and carving heart shapes means you’re left with a massive amount of unused cake. This is only half of the layers we carved out of the white cake that was going straight into the garbage (of course, we played around with it first). What a waste!

Heart Cake Baking

And look how much red velvet cake is left over! Stupid!

Heart Cake Baking

Then using the Force–because I’m a Jedi like that–we smashed the two cakes together and iced the outside. The recipe for frosting was even more stupid than the cake because it turned out really thin and gross. But whatever. By this time, Lisa and I had already been baking all day (including a walk and a lunch break around the neighborhood) and we were ready to be D-O-N-E.

Heart Cake Baking

Ta-da. More like wah-wah.

Heart Cake Baking

This is how pooped out we were. So what’s the big deal? Oh yeah, the stupid part.

Heart Cake Baking

Here’s what the cake looked like when we sliced it open. Look, it’s a red velvet heart cake inside a white cake! Yay for deformed hearts! Boo for stupid cake recipes.

NEVER AGAIN.

  1. Make me one for my wedding!

    Reply

    1. Only if it’s a stupid wedding!

      Reply

    2. The cake may have been stupid to make, but it’s pretty dope!

      Get it, I kept with the stupid theme, dope also means stupid and good. Haha! Yeah I’m tired. Sorry.

      Reply

Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *