How I Disappoint Myself Every Day

1. I watch HGTV religiously.

2. I once admired a minivan.

3. Fake wood paneling on old station wagons don’t bother me anymore. In fact, I kinda like them.

4. I can still play Extreme’s “More Than Words” on the guitar.

5. I found a “Hits of the 90′s” playlist on Spotify and actually enjoyed listening to The Cranberries.

6. I’m officially in my thirties and I still hate exercising.

7. I did not enjoy reading the works of Grace Paley (so now I feel really dumb).

8. I’ve turned the car engine off before putting it in park way too many times to count.

9. I finished a whole box of Haagen-Dazs bars from Costco in less than a month.

10. I’ve never seen a single Jennifer Lawrence movie.

11. I still snore.

12. This past Sunday, I meant to get a lot of writing done but instead took a Benadryl for my allergies, which made me pass out for four hours and by the time I woke up, it was time to watch the Oscars, then eat dinner, and then watch the rest of the Oscars so I basically wasted an entire day of my life that I WILL NEVER GET BACK AHH I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH.

13. I laughed at one of Seth McFarlane’s jokes during the Oscars. (Fortunately, it was the one where he walked off stage so I don’t feel too bad.)

14. That I managed to get to number 14 on this list.

15. That I actually spent time thinking of things for this list instead of doing something productive.

16. I’ll stop now.

17. Wait, I can’t.

18. Help.

19. I’m fine. But wouldn’t it be nice if this list ended on a…

20. BAM!

And in case you don’t know where this Hercules gif is from, watch below.