Articles by Kevin

Dane Cook is a dumbass. And you know who is an even bigger dumbass? Every single person who made it possible for me to know who Dane Cook is. Every single person who has laughed at any of his jokes or finds him even the slightest bit amusing. Because of all you people, this guy is famous and makes a living for being extremely UNfunny. I hate you all. Last night, I was watching Dane Cook’s comedy special on HBO – the one where he’s on a stage that is surrounded, 360 degrees, by spectators – and the more I watched the more pissed off I got at him. He even had the nerve to tell the second most racist joke I’ve ever heard, the first being Michael Richard’s tirade. Here’s the joke. If you think it’s funny, please explain to me why it’s funny and then never speak to me again because you’re a waste of human life. Joke: “I talk a lot at the movies. I talk so much black people are like ‘shhhhhhhhhh’.” And that’s funny how? At this point I was fuming. Don’t ask me why I continued to watch. I think it’s because I wanted to see if I could get so mad that I’d actually punch a whole through my tv. At the height of my anger, I realized that it was completely misdirected. Dane Cook was up on that stupid, circular stage because of the thousands of fuck-ups in the audience. From now on I’m going to refer to Dane Cook as Dane Crook because he literally robbed all you idiots blind. Answer me this, would you pay to see an armless person play catch? You would have to pay ME an ungodly amount of money to see that fool perform comedy live. More money than there probably exists in the world. And I would take that money and put it to good use. Like, I’d hire the Men in Black to destroy Dane Crook, in the most elaborate, horrific, barbaric, public execution ever imagined. Then they would contstruct a giant memory-erasing-red-light-beam-machine-thing that, when activated, would leave everyone and everything in this universe without even a hint of a memory of Dane Crook. That would be my bliss.

Before I had the unfortunate experience of watching all that UNentertainment known as Dane on television, I went to a dope comedy show that was put on by The Onion at Red Devil Lounge. If Dane Cook can acquire throngs of fans, there is no reason why Dan Gabriel, Arj Barker and Joey Guila can’t as well. If they’re ever in your area, check them out. You won’t be disappointed. Moye guarantees it.

Does the fact that I woke up this morning seem newsworthy to you? Of course not. Does the fact that a 20 year-old girl was seen at a bar seem newsworthy to you? OF COURSE NOT. Then why the hell has there been so much media coverage of Tara Conner’s alleged misbehavior and how it could cost her the title of Miss USA 2006. And don’t tell me, “It’s because she’s Miss USA,” like that designation is supposed to mean something. Don’t tell me that little girls across the country are looking to Tara Conner as an example of how to behave when they grow up. Like anyone even knows, or cares to know, who the fuck Tara Conner is. Ask any pre-teenage girl who Tara Conner is and, 15 times out of 10, she’ll say, “I don’t know.” Ask any pre-teenage girl who Britney Spears is and, 15 times out of 10, she’ll say, “The white trash lady who likes to show her vaginga to the world!” without a second’s hesitation. Ask any pre-teenage girl to name the last 5 winners of the Miss USA pageant and, 15 times out of 10, she’ll say “the Miss who pageant?” Ask any pre-teenage girl to name the last 5 winners of America’s Next Top Model and, 15 times out of 10, she’ll say, “CariDee, Danielle, Nicole, Naima, and Eva” before you can say, “FIERCE.” I think I’ve proven my point.

I’m glad the Donald decided against stripping Tara of her title because, as I learned in Sunday School, let he who is without sin cast the first stone, and if his hairdo isn’t a sin, then stealing money from the blind homeless guy who lives in front of my office building mustn’t be either. GO ME! Just kidding…he’s not blind, which makes it really tricky.

I know halloween was eons ago but I have to share these pictures of Tisha Campbell and Tichina Arnold because I think their costumes are downright hysterical. They were by far the best ones I saw this year, although the Edward Scissorhands I ran into in San Francisco was pretty damn impressive.

Now, I was going to just end my post here, but I’ve decided to leave you with a question to ponder because I’m deep like that. If a white person wearing blackface is racist, what is a black person wearing blackface? Is this similar to the use of the “n” word by black people, where some find it empowering, but others find it wholly inappropriate? Now where do I fit into this conundrum? Is it wrong for me to find Tichina’s costume funny? Hmmm…

More pictures under the cut.

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edit. This is nothing against the show or John Krasinski, well maybe a little against John Krasinski, but Rashida Jones is just too hot for The Office. You’ve got a cast full of average to less-than-average looking people and then, BAM, you’ve got Rashida Jones. It just doesn’t make sense. I know, I know, looks aren’t everything, as my grandma would say. But grandma has no hair or teeth, so her opinion is obviously biased. I’m sure other people will agree with me when I say, Rashida sticks out like a sore thumb. A sore, HOT thumb. A sore, HOT thumb I’d like to spend every remaining night of my life with. And maybe even some days. Mmmmm thumbs….

And have you seen her mom? Dude. DUDE. Click more for pictures.

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