Asians

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The Servant = Yuckers

July 20, 2010 in Asians by Moye | 1 comment

The Servant is a South Korean film based on an old folktale about the art of seduction. It’s also a really embarrassing movie poster to have on the wall while leaving a restaurant in Koreatown with your parents.

Listen, I get that this movie is about sex. But is it really necessary to have a woman doing the reverse cowgirl while some creepy guy watches behind a tree? Like, couldn’t you just have them holding hands or something?

Actually, it looks like this lady is popping an Asian squat to take a poop, while the guy is like, “Dude, WTF are you doing? I just washed these pants. You’re crazy, bitch.” And the guy in the back is like “I found the best hiding spot in the world. No one can see me.”

Whatever.

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Emails From My Mother: iPad Support

July 1, 2010 in Asians by Moye | 1 comment

My mother is officially an Apple fangirl. Somehow she got her hands on a friend’s iPad and next thing I knew, she was asking for us to order her one. And then the next thing I knew, it came in the mail and the next, next thing I knew, we were spending our Tuesday night showing her how to use it. The cutest part was when she was blown away by the Netflix App and its ability to stream videos in her queue. We had some trouble with her Wi-fi connection the next morning, but my mommy seemed to have figured it out.

The only thing she hasn’t figured out is how to type on the keyboard or how to make sense in her emails, as you can see above. What the heck is a “you brain”? Thank god she hasn’t figured out how to find this “brog.” (That’s what she called it once.) Oh, mommy.

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Pasta Tutorial

June 27, 2010 in Asians, food by Moye | 1 comment

My dad dropped off some of his pasta leftovers for me to eat. It came with instructions. Thankfully, I know my alphabet so I think I’ll be able to follow this easily.

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When Photoshop Goes Right

June 7, 2010 in Asians by Moye | 1 comment

What happens when Joz writes a hilarious post about a new class in a Chinese elementary school on teaching boys to be more masculine? This picture, of course. Ernie wins at the Internet for life.

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Going Senile

May 28, 2010 in Asians by Moye | 2 comments

Something must be wrong with me. Maybe I’m getting old. Like old. I’m going to be almost 30. I thought everything was cool being 28 but then this happened. THIS HAPPENED. I need to tone down on the italics.

But there I was, sitting in a cafe along with an iced coffee, enjoying my book of short stories when BOOM. I drooled. I DROOLED. I know, right? What? Only babies and old people drool. Well, I drool in my sleep but that’s because I’m sleeping. Babies and old people drool when they’re awake.

And that’s what happened to me.

Here’s the thing. My drool was so unbelievably powerful that it ruined my book! I can’t read that paragraph anymore! I have no idea what Eric leaned his face ag–what? Huh? Oh no.

I should just go kill myself now.

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Lost/Stolen: Hello Kitty Omamori Charm

April 29, 2010 in Asians, Thoughts by Moye | No comments

While most people visiting Japan go crazy over the toys and the souvenirs, I go crazy over the food. Well, I wasn’t super crazy about the traditional food because I was sick of the rice-fish-pickles-noodles combination by Day Three. I was more interest in the fun snacks and candy they have everywhere, from the basement food markets with tons of samples, all the little cafe and sandwich shops in the train stations, the pastry shops, creperies (which I sadly did not indulge in) and soft serve parfait options. Also, I couldn’t buy any clothes because I couldn’t fit in any of them. How wrong is that!? I’m not a giant. There were so many girls in Tokyo that were my size. What gives!?

Anyway, there was one non-food item that I did buy myself, which was a Hello Kitty omamori from a temple in Kyoto for good health, specifically made for my blood type (A). How could you go wrong? It was amazing and went perfectly well with my Marc by Marc Jacobs purse (and any outfit I would wear).

Like any of that matters anymore.  A week after I get home, I visit my grandma and show my omamori off (because it’s that adorable) and what does she do? She takes it, asks if it’s okay she can have it and I am forced to say yes, because whoever says no to their own grandmother is a heartless, cold person. RIGHT?  So in less than 3 minutes (and less than 7 days after I bought my special souvenier), it was out of my hand and lost somewhere in the clutter next to my grandmother’s bed. She’s probably going to give it away, too, because she loves to “gift” things to anyone who’s not related to her. Ugh ugh ugh ugh.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this heartbroken. I came home that night with the saddest face, and it didn’t help that a certain someone laughed at me when he found out, or that my sister blamed me when I called her in a panic in the car ride home, or that my mother pointed out over the emergency long distance call that I’d probably never find another one again because when are we ever going to Kyoto again in the near future?

But I’m comforting myself knowing that my omamori was broken anyway, because of the following:

  • I got sick and threw up four (FOUR!) times the night after I bought it.
  • It made me forget our Sonicare toothbrush in Tokyo.
  • The little bell on the string made me sound like a cat anywhere I went.
  • Did I mention I barfed?? What kind of good health charm makes you barf within 24 hours?

Also, people who write mean blog entries about their grandmothers are not cold, heartless people. They are people with FEELINGS and strong attachments to material things, especially those made out of pink silk and Hello Kitty.

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Nike Free Run + Audio Sensors = Awesome Sauce

April 23, 2010 in Asians, Thoughts by Moye | No comments

There’s a Nike store near the apartment in Tokyo, and I only noticed it because they had a giant rubber model of the Nike Free Run sole hanging from the ceiling to display it’s bendable qualities. I never gave it much thought (except OMG GIANT SNEAKER!!!) until I came across this video of Japanese breakbeat duo Hifana hooking up audio sensors to the shoes and creating this awesome music video.

Speaking of running, this was my first time in Japan that I noticed so many runners around Tokyo. The Kaigakan track was across the street from our hotel, which I thought was a feature that most cities should provide–can you imagine a sidewalk designed to be a running track for the public to use??–and almost hourly were groups of runners, making their laps around the circle. Japanese runners go all out, too. We didn’t see regular people dressed in messy shorts and old t-shirts trying to exercise those love handles off. They were decked out in lycra pants, water bottles and even backpacks. Backpacks. If I had to run with a backpack, I’d make sure it was stuffed with tissues I could use as I sobbed my way around. Sometimes we’d even see the same runners twice during our walks around, because that’s how slow we were. They’d run a quarter of a mile in the same span that we’d walk a block. Insane.

I’m going to go eat some Cheetos now.

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Snow in April!

April 14, 2010 in Asians by Moye | 2 comments

Who would have thought that a random day in April would kick off with freezing temperatures and snow? Okay, maybe if you were in Antartica or something but our trip just became a bit more memorable.

This is the 300+ year old ryokan inn, Tsurunoyu, we stayed at last night that boasts some of the best “out of the way” natural hot springs. And “out of the way” means a three hour train ride, followed by two buses with a bunch of elderly couples into the middle of nowhere.  There were icy snow drifts when we came in, but there was enough green around to remind us that Spring was here. That is, until we woke up the next morning to powdery snow covering the ground and being able to see our breath when we shuffled down the hallway to breakfast–and then running through icy puddles to jump into the outdoor hot springs for that true experience of sitting in a steaming onsen butt naked while snowflakes fell all around you.

And with that, I’d like to officially announce that I am sick of Japanese food, including miso soup, fish, tsukemono, red bean anything but not rice because I could eat bowls of rice all day long.

Also, B would like to officially announce that he’s a huge fan of the toilet butt sprays. He’s been trying every single one in each of our hotels. The last toilet even came with a hot air fan to dry your butt off. I refuse to try them. Toilet paper is enough for me, thank you very much.

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Bows Are For Girls

April 10, 2010 in Asians, Thoughts by Moye | 1 comment

These are my dad’s shoes. I don’t know why he put these bows on them but he thinks they’re cool and they’re for men. That’s what he said when I asked him. My mom even prayed at the temple for him to take them off, but he argued that it allows him to see and find his shoes better. Ugh.

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Observations From The Flight (Deck)

April 10, 2010 in Asians, Thoughts by Moye | No comments

An 11 hour flight is grueling, especially when the plane is delayed by four hours and the girl sitting in the window seat in your aisle won’t pull the shade down, so you’re sitting in perpetual daylight. But here’s what I occupied myself with:

  • Up in the Air is the perfect in-flight movie.
  • I’m too old for movies like The Princess and the Frog.
  • Don’t joke about your future children being annoyingly fussy with lazy eyes before boarding your flight, because that exact child will be sitting two rows in front of you for the next 11 hours. And will not stop crying.
  • It’s really hard to try to figure out which of the baby’s eye is wonky. I was convinced it was the right one because the left one kept staring around, but later one, I swear the wonky one was glaring at me.
  • When in doubt, always pick the Asian menu over the Western one for your in-flight meals.

But we’re here and it’s all cool and the first thing I see in the morning is this awesome Hello Kitty bus and the first thing I asked my mom was WHY WEREN’T WE ON IT.

I promised my mom that I wouldn’t fight with her for the next 10 days. Here we go.

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