Hey, Brown! How’s it going? I heard it’s kind of busy over there, especially with all this news about appointing Wyclef as a visiting scholar. I would have preferred Kanye because I mean, at least he had a hit song in the past 3 years but whatever. Guantanamera is still stuck in my head from 8th grade, so I guess he got something right.

Anyway, I really appreciated getting all those letters and emails about updating my alumni database for the chance to win an iPhone but I just had one tiny question: which generation iPhone is this? I’m only asking because it’s really important to know. You can’t just say “iPhone” because that could mean anything: are you talking about the first generation that runs on the EDGE network or is this the 3G one? I’m confused because the picture you used in your email was for the 3G or 3GS–I’m hoping it’s at least the 3GS because at least the processor is faster but on the other hand, why would winning one motivate any alumn to enter the raffle? I mean, as much as I love you guys, even I don’t want one, especially if it’s the 3G. I still have one collecting dust in my desk (but only because I haven’t found the time to sell it yet) and winning a 3GS would be even more pointless. What would I use it for? A back-up phone in case I shatter all the glass on my 4? Why would I downgrade?

If you could really win an iPhone 4, wouldn’t using a picture of one push more people to enter? Right now, it kind of looks like you need a new person to do your email graphics. Otherwise, if you really are giving away the 3G or 3GS, then that’s really mean. There’s nothing ruder than winning a prize that’s like 4 months outdated (which in geek terms is like 40 billion years behind the times).

xoxoxox,

moye

Today marks the first time I’ve seen B all drugged up and it’s all sorts of awesome. He had his wisdom teeth removed this morning, and I was the designated “person to hang out with until the anesthesia wears off so you can take him home.” I was tempted to bring a video camera in the off chance I could create the next viral “David Goes to the Dentist” hit but I totally forgot when we left the house.

Instead, I watched B try to sign language his thoughts to me, which made absolutely no sense. What does pointing at the door, then your wrist and then holding up your hand mean? I need to go outside to check the time and hello?

I gave him my iPhone instead, so he could type out what the heck he was trying to say, and the above is what I got. Right. I get the last part. I like turtles, too.

Now, he’s recuperating at work while I bring home the bacon. Since his mouth is stuffed with gauze (meaning no phone calls) and he’s not on his computer (meaning no emails), the only way I can communicate him is through Xbox Live (thanks to Red Dead Redemption). *sigh* Life is so hard.

I read a lot, I know lots of words and I think I did pretty well on the verbal portion of my SATs. I wrote over 15 pages of crap for my senior thesis. I GRADUATED FROM A UNIVERSITY.  So how come I totally blow at this game? ARGGGGH.

The only thing that’s keeping me from throwing my phone across the room during the game is knowing that I still totally rule with the quick math tests on Brain Age. Take that, nerds! You may consider “QI” a word, but at least I can add, subtract and multiply better!

So there. Is English not your first language? Are you under the age of 10? Are you mildly retarded yet you somehow have an iPhone? Are you missing fingers? LET’S PLAY. My self-esteem needs it. Badly. Otherwise, I might eat a tub of ice cream alone on Valentine’s Day.

Speaking of Valentine’s Day, I worked really hard on this post. And by “post,” I really mean all those blinged out gifs.

Um, yeah. It’s Apple Wednesday which means I kind of want to throw my iPhone out the window but I decided that if I still hear maxi-pad jokes about the iPad by Sunday, January 31st, THEN I’M GOING TO….buy one. Seriously. You thought I was going to say “knock a bitch up”, right? Ha ha, got you!

Wait, crap. I don’t have $500 to spend.

Anyway, this gif makes me happy.

I don’t know who taught my mom to text on her cell phone but somehow she figured it out and has managed to send me the occasional message. This usually happens if I don’t pick up the phone when she calls because I’m at work or driving or just plain don’t want to deal with her.

Here are the most recent three, which I saved because I just love how it goes  from her proclaiming that she has berries for me, to demanding to take an entire pie that I had just baked, to a huge cry for help.

And no, I just didn’t ignore these messages. I dutifully called her back after I got each one.

Oh, Mommy. Now if only she could figure out how to G-chat.

Today, in the midst of Comic-Con stuff, we took a moment to see how well the Google voice search worked. And it was pretty accurate! Unless you have my name, which Google thinks is “Porsche AC Motor.”

*sigh*

Sometimes, though, I take a peek at them…and find myself filling with rage yet again. Here’s what came in today:

Someone please tell me what kind of job absolutely requires an iPod Touch. Either this employer is completely clueless on what the iPod Touch is, or there really is a job out there that requires you to download apps, play games, listen to music, check your email and surf the Internet (but only if you have access to a WiFi connection).

I think these iPods are stupid to begin with (I still don’t understand the purpose of having one, unless you like browsing the web on a tiny device only where you have Wi-Fi) but a job that requires one? PLEASE.

No. Sure, our Wii is gathering dust (but only because I need to replace the batteries on my Fit board and I’m too scared to see what happens when I finally step on it), but there is no way in hell you’re getting our remotes for free.

Okay. I kind of understand the thought process behind this one. New, improved and cooler iPhone 3GS comes out, which means current iPhone owners will upgrade in a hurry, abandoning their old phones to rot in some dark, empty drawer.

Except that most iPhone users will have to fork over $4oo to $500 to get the 3GS, while their current phone works better than ever with the new 3.0 firmware and still sells for almost $100.  So why the hell would someone give away their iPhone for free? WHY?

So I’ve been logging my diet/exercise process with this cool iPhone application called “Lose It!” though it should be renamed as “This Is How Much Weight You Keep Gaining Back!” because I don’t know how much it has helped. It logs way less calories burned than what the gym machines tell me, but I can’t tell which one is the liar. I like to think it’s my iPhone, based on the fact that the less weight you lose, the longer you’ll use the application…right?

Anyway, I was looking for the various exercise activities that I could log (like breathing, eating, sitting, napping–seriously, ANYTHING to keep that calorie number down) and came across this. And I blushed.

Sexual activity? Does that really burn enough calories to matter? Isn’t it different for girls and guys? Doesn’t it vary with positions? Only 10 calories for a half hour? That can’t be true! And the longest amount of time you can log is 55 minutes. What if you do the whole Tantric thing?

I was also a little disappointed with their levels of “intensity.” I was hoping they’d organize things by bases and home runs.

Okay, anyone who logs their passive cuddlingin this application is just lame and probably doesn’t deserved to be kissed.

But I found this awesome post on LA’s Freecycle community. If you don’t know what Freecycle is, then you’re not really missing out on anything. It’s a nationwide group that tries to lessen our impact on landfills by allowing people to “offer” their unwanted items to others instead of merely throwing them away. You can also post “wanted” items that you need that people may not use anymore, etc etc. Overall, it’s awesome. We all accumulate junk and it’s the perfect avenue to clean out your life, as well as provide for others. I hate hate hate hate throwing things away (don’t worry, I am NOT A HOARDER) and Freecycle gave me the opportunity to recycle old snowboarding gear, rugs, curtains, routers, etc.

The key is to NOT buy new things after you freecycle them, because that just defeats the purpose.

The other important note is that you’re not supposed to be all greedy, illogical and stupid. You’re not supposed to request free services, or solicit pity for your sorry life. For example, this guy Bill, who posted the below:

Wanted: iPhone 90046
Posted by: “Bill”
Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:32 am
I dropped my iPhone out of my jacket in a cab I was in Saturday nite
and it was ‘missing’ when I called the cab company 20 minutes later.

Your generosity would be GREATLY appreciated.

At first I thought this was a not-funny April Fool’s Joke. Then I saw that it was actually posted Monday morning.

WTF, Bill? Last time I checked, iPhones were still pretty popular and NOT taking up space in our landfills. People aren’t giving this shit away for free, and nor are they throwing them out. Our generosity would be greatly appreciated?? Really? Really. Well, guess what. Generosity isn’t reusable trash, so rethink your priorities and pony up the cash to buy yourself a new jacket with better pockets.

This beats the other post I found ages ago, where someone asked for a horse and a Segway. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not.

I hate humans. Baby polar bears all the way!