I share very different tastes in movies with B but I’m okay with it, because we share the same opposing ideas when it comes to books. He hates reading and I’d rather sit down for hours with a book while the thought of sitting for two hours to watch round after round of films makes me want to fall asleep. I’m not saying I hate movies, because I do enjoy them, just like how B enjoys literature even though it’s very rare for him to finish one whole book in less than a year (or just finish one in general). There just happens to be a lot of times when I’d rather sleep or eat cookies than watch a movie.

This disparity in movie tastes is more than just about watching them: B likes to watch the weirdest thing ever. I’d be totally okay if he wanted to catch Transformers 2 or TRON: Legacy in theaters (okay wait, maybe not Transformers) because I enjoy the mindless, big budget entertainment. But nope, he likes the artistic, independent, foreign and classic films. You know, the kinds that get a 95% rating on Rotten Tomatoes but make absolutely no sense, or the ones that are super disturbing and won’t let you sleep at night because you’re wondering WTF just happened. I know you know what kind of movies I’m talking about, where happy endings don’t exist and people commit a lot of incest. At least, that’s what it seems like.

Don’t worry, though, because we compromise in bed. And I don’t mean sexually. EWWW. I mean, we sit on the bed so he can watch his pick from his endless Netflix streaming list while I try to block out the noise and finish a library book. Of course, it’s all very distracting so I end up asking lots of questions and then getting confused, make snarky comments, occasionally repeat the funny lines aloud a lot or even do impressions next to the television, especially if they do weird dances like in Dogtooth. Yes, I am the best movie companion EVER.

Anyway, thanks to this moving/reading arrangement, I’ve compiled a serious knowledge of independent non-Michael Bay-related cinema which helps me participate in conversations with artsy-fartsy friends. Here’s what I’ve seen so far, as summarized by what I distractedly witnessed between turning the pages of my book.

In A Year of 13 Moons: This movie is really weird because there’s this guy who’s dressed like a lady and gets beat up in the park. Then he goes to a slaughterhouse where they are killing cows. Then it gets weirder so I stopped watching.

1900: This was like the longest movie ever. Robert DeNiro is in it and he’s really young. Some boy accidentally gets killed and there’s a really mean lady in it and they all speak Italian or something?

Happy Together: Two Asian guys are like boyfriend-boyfriend in some South American country. It’s shot really cool like on a Hipstamatic camera but one of the guys wears bandages on his hands. Also, the movie says it’s about two guys but it’s actually about THREE guys, which made me so confused because I couldn’t tell any of them apart. Also, I am racist against Asians.

Dogtooth: This is a weird movie about a mean dad who won’t let his kids go anywhere. Something happens and the dad gets mad and beats up some girl, and then the son has sex with his sister. Ewww. Then the two sisters do really weird dances during a party, and then the younger sister hides in the trunk of the car while the dad goes to work…I think.

A Serbian Film: This is a weird movie that I wasn’t allowed to see but I later saw the gross trailer and read the plot on Wikipedia. It’s about this guy who has sex with lots of gross things. YUCK.

Afterschool: This is a weird movie about a weird kid in a boarding school and he likes to watch things on the Internet. And something happens with some other schoolgirls or something. He also likes to choke girls.

Graveyard of Honor: This movie is definitely weird because it’s directed by Takashi Miike. It’s about this really mean yakuza guy who likes to do mean things like molest women and stab guys. I hate gangster movies so I don’t even care to know what happened.

Tokyo Drifter: Like I said, I’m not a big fan of yakuza movies but this one was kind of cool because it starts off in black and white, and then goes into color and it was filmed a long time ago. There’s this guy and he’s in the yakuza and in one scene, they go to the club and dance all funny because it was filmed a long time ago. I like funny dancing scenes in movies.

Fish Tank: I thought this wasn’t going to be a weird movie because it was about a British girl who was like, all urban and stuff, and she wanted to be a dancer so I was waiting for this to turn into Step Up 3D but it didn’t because nothing else happened. There was also a lot of sex.

Enter the Void: OMG Weirdest movie ever. It’s like, filmed from the sky and one part, you fly around a love hotel so you just see a bunch of Japanese people having sex. GROSSSSS.

That’s all I can remember for now. If anyone wants me to do an impression of the dance scene in Dogtooth, just holler. I think it’s one of the most hilarious things I’ve seen.

• WIGS: I’ve been obsessed with finding out if Christina is actually bald or not since her Dirrrty days when she had those awful trashy black extensions, and then someone told me she was actually really bald. One time I saw her in person but she was too far away for me to tell. Then I saw this picture but this whole movie proves my point. I mean, it’s one thing to don a new hairstyle to play a character, but can her hair look even more fake?
• SHOWGIRLS: It’s been fifteen years since Hollywood was graced with the horrific train wreck that was Showgirls and it’s high time we introduced our new generation to sex+dancing+glitter+wigs.
• THAT BARTENDER: Okay, I totally thought that bartender guy (you know, the one wearing the Clockwork Orange make-up and a vest with no shirt) was gay but I guess he’s not, since he’s clearly Christina’s love interest. Um…okay?
• CHER: She can still move her face?
• VERONICA MARS: She’s in this movie!? Whaaaat!?
• WHO wants to see this with me? I’m itching to see a glitzy movie with a generic plot formula. We can sit alone in the theater. I’ll buy the caramel popcorn at the Arclight.

I feel like Hollywood is messing around with me. First owls, and now Alpha & Omega, a new 3D adventure about a pair of wolves in the Canadian outback who must journey somewhere or other to rejoin the wolf pack and fall in love along the way.

Okay, so I can handle a wolf story for children. Animals in the outdoors can be cool. My dad forced me to read Jack London’s Call of the Wild when I was small and even though I have zero memory of what exactly that book is about (because it was one of those novels that I had zero interest in and just read the words without ingesting anything that was being said, like Robinson Crusoe–ugh worst book ever), I did appreciate the value of a story about an animal (like a wolf) in its natural habitat (like the woods), unlike some fantasy movies about animals (like owls) in an unnatural, stupid setting (magical clans with metal helmets).

What I can’t handle is the fact that the artwork for Alpha & Omega just scream FURRY. I’ve unfortunately seen my share of furry artwork and there’s something disturbing about the humanoid aspects of Alpha and Omega. Maybe it’s the fact that they made Alpha look like she has a swelling bosom, round eyes with eyelashes, her coquettish pose or…a full scalp of HUMAN-LIKE HAIR? It’s like a furry wet dream come true. I would show pictures of furry drawings to prove my point, but I really want to keep down my breakfast.

Or maybe the Internet just keeps ruining the real world for me. Yeah, it’s probably that.

Am I the only one in disbelief that there’s a non-documentary feature film (in 3D) about owls coming out soon? Sure, Zack Snyder is directing this CG animation film, but you’re kidding me, right? Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole? Okay, I can take this as a fantasy series for young adults and I did try to enjoy the penguins in Happy Feet…but owls?

Yeah, they’re ferocious birds who come out at night and hunt down little vermin. But they’re also owls: they hoot, look kind of ridiculous, they’re part of a classic Internet meme and they puke up gross pellets (I know this for a fact; I had to dissect one in science class).

Okay, for one thing, what’s up with this guy? I see he’s got a cataract and he doesn’t look really happy, but is that a helmet on his little owl head? Like, a helmet forged and crafted from metal? How the hell do owls forge metals? THEY DON’T HAVE HANDS. Do they bang on a miniature anvil with their claws? How would they shape and mold this helmet? How is it possible that these owls have evolved enough to mine and smelt metals, but they’re still birds?! Am I really questioning the logistics of an computer generated animation about owls? YES. BECAUSE THIS STUFF IS PERTINENT.

I’m all for dragons hoarding piles of gold or magical wizard schools in England and giant mysterious furry animals living in a mystical tree in rural Japan, but I am putting my foot down with these birds.

My conclusion: this movie looks dumb.

The Servant is a South Korean film based on an old folktale about the art of seduction. It’s also a really embarrassing movie poster to have on the wall while leaving a restaurant in Koreatown with your parents.

Listen, I get that this movie is about sex. But is it really necessary to have a woman doing the reverse cowgirl while some creepy guy watches behind a tree? Like, couldn’t you just have them holding hands or something?

Actually, it looks like this lady is popping an Asian squat to take a poop, while the guy is like, “Dude, WTF are you doing? I just washed these pants. You’re crazy, bitch.” And the guy in the back is like “I found the best hiding spot in the world. No one can see me.”

Whatever.

Alright, I’m hopping on the Inception bandwagon after seeing the film this weekend but at least I know it’s more than just a bandwagon and more like the we’re-right-and-you’re-an-idiot-if-you-don’t-like-this-movie-wagon. It reminded me of a good book, where all the different angles worked seamlessly together so you were engrossed in the storytelling on all levels. I’m super conscious of the writing, description styles, setting and dialogue in a book: if one aspect is off, then the whole book falls apart for me. On the other hand, if these all come together, I can turn pages without realizing that I’m actually reading something: instead, the story plays out in my head as if I’ve been completely absorbed into it.

The same works for this movie: script, plot, acting, dialogue, set, costumes and special effects. Also, anyone who thinks Avatar is a better movie gets punched in the nuts.

I always enjoy daydreaming about movies, imagining how characters and story lines would adapt if I had been there. Would I be as cool, calm and collected as the characters? How would I react in the same setting? What if Leonardo DiCaprio was hired to visit me in my dreams? Would the result be just as mind-blowing and fantastic?

That’s what I realized that my version of Inception would be the complete opposite. My dreams are pretty lame, whether they consist of either me being back in high school and panicking over getting to the right class in time, being back in college and panicking over moving out of the dorm rooms in time, or being in a mall and panicking that I can’t find a bathroom. I’m not even kidding.

Can you imagine a thriller movie based on one of these?

FADE IN:

EXT – OUTDOOR LOCATION

COBB and ARIADNE are sitting outside a cafe in Paris. Two half empty cups of cafe au lait sit on the wicker table between them.

COBB

We create the world of a dream. We bring a subject into that dream and they fill it with their secrets.

ARIADNE

Then you break in and steal it?

COBB

Well, it’s not strictly speaking legal.

We see the shocked but intrigued look on Ariadne’s face as we fade out.

FORGHORN NOISE

FADE IN:

INT – WAREHOUSE LOCATION

COBB, EAMES, and ARIADNE are hooking themselves up to the elaborate PASIV Device that allows them to enter the dreams of their drugged subject, MOYE, who is snoring in a lounge chair between them.

ARTHUR enters.

ARTHUR

Why are we doing this? Why her?

The three glance up at him but never stop moving around the room.

COBB

Because I think I found a way home. And with this girl, that’s how I get there. Her husband is offering me everything so he can win this bet. All we have to do is make her eat a donut on her own accord before the year is over.

ARTHUR

You’re planting an idea into her head? You’re talking about inception. I hope you do understand the gravity of that request.

They settle into their chairs, ready to fall asleep.

COBB

The seed that we plant in this girl’s mind may change everything.

FOGHORN NOISE

EXT – LOS ANGELES PRIVATE SCHOOL LOCATION

COBB, ARIADNE and ARTHUR open their eyes and find themselves on the campus of a prestigious high school in Hancock Park. Girls in short khaki skirts and crisp white polo shirts lounge around with Kate Spade handbags and Dooney & Burke leather organizers. Somewhere, the bell rings.

COBB looks completely confused.

COBB

What the…what kind of dream is this? Are we in a high school?!

ARIADNE

You asked me to design a dream that our client would understand.

ARTHUR

She’s right. I discovered that despite being 28 years old, our target still suffers from anxiety stemming from six years of a single sex education among spoiled, upper-class Los Angeles girls. We figured that this setting would be most comfortable for Moye in her dream state…

COBB

Wait, seriously?

ARTHUR

Seriously.

COBB

Seriously?

ARTHUR

Seriously. Also, we’ll most likely find Moye running around butt naked, trying to find her class schedule. That’s…also something else she always dreams about.

COBB

Worst target ever.

FOGHORN NOISE

The trailer for the two-part Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was finally released to me, which I am not ashamed to admit (as someone who stood in line at midnight to buy the book) that it gave me chills and shivers and everything of that sort (except for peeing in my pants). Until I tried to tell B about it.

moye: oooh man
moye: harry potter is back! i just saw the trailer
moye: OH MAN
moye: EXPELLIARMUS!
B: petronus!
moye: PATRONUS
moye: omg.
B: everybody start your quiddiches because Harry Potter is Slitheren up to Patronus your XBox 360!
moye: oh my god
moye: you need a harry potter spellcheck

How can you NOT know how to spell Quidditch and Slytherin? Ugh.

I am never going to see The Happening EVER but this scene just cracks me up. Mark Wahlberg is a horrible actor. I’m glad we have YouTube to show it.

We finally caught a screening of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Did I say we? I meant me, and dragged B along with me. It’s quite amusing listening to a non-fan/non-reader’s perspective on the movie. Especially all his questions about movie details that you wouldn’t understand unless you’ve seen the previous 5 movies or read all 7 books.

For example,

• How come Dumbledore doesn’t need to speak to cast his spells?
• Why do they need wands?
• Where’s Gary Oldman? They should bring him back.
• That was stupid that they had Harry end up with Weasel’s sister. He should have come after Hermaphrodite.
• What was that thing he threw on Harry on the train? You know, the carpet that looked like the floor?

Yeah, that’s what B called the Cloak of Invisibility. A carpet that looked like the floor.

Then again, you should hear the questions I ask him about Angel or Buffy. Or X-Men.

Ugh. I don’t think I’ve ever writhed in such jealousy watching this video for behind the scenes of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Who’s that Asian girl? NO THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ME!

Okay, not really. Knives is Chinese, and I am not. She’s also in high school, and though I may look it, I am not. I am also not an actress nor am I adorable, so let’s just leave it at that.

So what am I even talking about? Oh. I was a bit skeptical about the casting and movie at first, but it looks like it’s all coming together really well, and I can’t wait until it comes out.

Also, all I have to say is that wedding planning is stupid. But party planning is fun. Now if people would just respond to my emails….