squirrels

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Sometimes I come across videos online that I feel like sum up my life in some weird parallel universe way. For example, this weekend, I decided to bake a cheesecake for the very first time. We picked a pumpkin flavor with a graham cracker/gingersnap crust, wasted time trying to find a good springform pan (which I accidentally called a springboard pan…which is actually pretty cool. Maybe it launches your baked goods into the air after it cools?) and the whole time, I was telling B how much I loved Japanese cheesecakes (rare cheesecakes) because they are less sweet. Also, B set up his little squirrel collection today on our new bookshelves, which I was tempted to throw out. [Sidenote: Before I fell asleep, I learned that cream cheese was inadvertently invented when some American dairy guy tried to make French Neufchatel cheese, and that it’s also known as farmer’s cheese, which explains SO MUCH because we’ve been eating farmer’s cheese from the GastroBus and never figured out what it was.] And what do I find today?

Some Japanese lady feeding her pet squirrel a rare cheesecake. WAT? I know. It’s like everything from this past weekend combined into a single video. Tomorrow, I hope to find a video about coffee tables, Triscuit crackers and baby sloths. Those are the things on my mind right now. Anyway.

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It’s pretty obvious that I have a “thing” for Zach Galifianakis. It’s definitely not his beard, because I thought he was adorable on his old VH1 show, and maybe it’s the constant blazer + t-shirt outfit that somehow doesn’t look douchey, or maybe it’s just the piano? This crush developed way before The Hangover came out. Maybe it was his joke about Moons over My Hammy. Let’s not discuss his episode of Saturday Night Live. I’m going to pretend like that never happened.

But today, I figured out my connection to him after catching an interview where he stated the following:

If “The Hangover” hadn’t happened, what would you be doing now?

I was making a living doing stand up, but I wouldn’t have done it for much longer. I bought a farm and was trying to figure out how to be a farmer. I was just gonna grow food, shoot squirrels and live off my land. I’m still trying to figure out how to do that.

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS WANTS TO SHOOT SQUIRRELS. This is why we’re soul mates.

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This was the debate we had today while my sister was giving me a pedicure. I always thought squirrels were vegetarians but apparently they eat meat in dire circumstances where they can’t find food and are starving. I don’t know. This killer squirrel looks really well fed to me.

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SORRY!

deadsquirrels

I made B really mad today. I rarely do that because I’m always so nice and he’s so easy going and well mannered (or maybe he’s a robot with no feelings and I’m a brat) but today I crossed the line.

He knows I don’t like squirrels but sometimes he’ll send me a picture of one just because he thinks they’re so cute while I would just get annoyed. Don’t you think that’s rude? And it’s not going to change my mind.

Today he send me a photo of a taxidermied squirrel riding a miniature motorcycle and in response, I sent him a photo of a cute Asian baby (only because he hate babies as much as I hate squirrels–eye for an eye, right??) but apparently sending him a photo of a drowned squirrel was too much.

He didn’t talk to me for over 30 minutes, which in moye-time feels like OVER A YEAR.

I’m sorry.

Please don’t send me photos of drowned babies. I’d probably cry for reals.

Wait, unless they were ugly babies. Then good riddance.

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This is the squirrel that lives in our apartment. B found him at some thrift shop and for some reason, decided to buy him. He usually lives on our bookshelf where he stares at us with his scary beady eyes but sometimes, when I am spending the night away, I like to tuck him into the bed so B won’t get lonely at night.

(And then I wash the sheets afterwards because god knows what B does with this squirrel and squirrels–even fake ones–are dirty tree rats.)

Well, look who showed up in my work bag this morning.

REAL FUNNY. REEAAALLLLL FUNNY.

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Gross Squirrel

Today is January 21st, which means it’s National Squirrel Appreciation Day. Whoever created and approved of this holiday clearly has very low hygeine and self-hate. I can’t believe we have 24 hours dedicated to tree rats. This is so gross. What’s next, National Scavenge For Food In Your Garbage Day? National Wake People Up With Annoying Squeaking Noises Day? National Let’s Start Ridiculous Fires Day? Unbelievable.

eHow.com has a list of how you can stupidly celebrate this day, includes tips for looking up squirrel-related documentaries and feeding them. FEEDING THEM? Why would you want to feed these rodents?

There’s only one way to celebrate this day: squirrel enchiladas.

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There are a million reasons why I hate squirrels, but the above is the very first reason: they’re just gross rats that can climb trees.

As you can see, when a squirrel has mange, it looks JUST LIKE A RAT.

And then, after you treat the mange and help the squirrel recover, it turns INTO A FATASS.

I rest my case.

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