To the holidays of 2014, I demand a do-over. You gave me two leisurely weeks with a light workload, beautiful sunny weather, an adorable chubby buttface and a pile of “omg-it’s-your-first-christmas” presents for the aforementioned buttface, but I still want a second chance. Because on top of the unseasonably warm season’s greetings, you also dropped a horrible lime-green-neon-yellow snotty cold on me, followed by an awful ear infection that made me feel like half of my skull was rapidly descending (ascending?) 100 million feet in an underwater spacesuit, with a not-very-cheerful visit to the Hollywood urgent care, another doctor’s visit, a horrible itchy reaction to the antibiotics, the frantic Googling of the types of treatment I would be allowed to take while breastfeeding, many calls between my doctor’s nurse and my pediatrician’s nurse, the uncomfortable experience of hearing everything on the right side of my body like it was coming out of a really cheap computer speaker, followed by a general malaise that made me kind of hate everything in the universe (besides cookies, B and the previously noted adorable chubby buttface).
Oh, but my ear is finally better. Like 99% there. I’m too scared to say 100% because I know that I’ll wake up tomorrow with something new and horrible on my face. Besides what is already there. Zing.
But seriously, 2014 holiday season. Let’s talk. Can we do a quick rewind and press play? Actually, a quick push on the record button, because I don’t want to relive what has already happened? I’d like a blank slate.
Heyyy 2015, let’s chat. I know you’re already almost one month old, but please take the time to read above to understand why I’m several weeks late on addressing you. Before you launch into an early Spring, let’s be clear on a few things. Like, you know, be nice. I wrapped up your older sister (aside from the stupid holidays) pretty nicely, where I feel like I kind of figured things out: returning to work, the whole daycare situation, the delicate balance of spending time with yes, that chubby little buttface, and other responsibilities without wanting to rip my fingernails out. And yes, I know that this meant I took a break on so many things but I had to, because having the pressure of doing all the things I wanted (like, I don’t know, finishing a book? Watching my favorite reality TV shows? Being creative outside of figuring out how to fit three pumping sessions into my daily routine while introducing the baby to her first round of solid foods with a back-up plan for any potential allergic reactions?) would have been awful.
I survived and I am surviving and I will survive.
Here’s the thing (if you’re still listening, 2015). Lately, I’ve been realizing that this feeling could also be seen as “coasting,” because despite the smooth ride with occasional bouts of emotional turbulence, there was and is a constant feeling of guilt. This hovering, layer of gray smog that keeps reminding me that I’m not doing enough, that I’m not challenging myself, or that all I am doing every day is giving myself a giant excuse.
I mean, it’s true. I believe I can coast along like this for the next day, week, months…even YEARS. GAH. 99% of my brain would be okay with it, but I know that there would always be that nagging 1% constantly wondering what I could have been doing on top of everything else the whole time.
Okay, sorry, wait. 2015, I’m getting to my point. Don’t close the browser window yet.
No, seriously, I’m almost done. What? 5 more seconds before you shut your iPhone off? How about 10?
Really quickly, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate what you’ve provided me so far (you’re doing great!!!), and that I promise not only to myself but to you, yes, YOU, that within the next 12 11 months, I will be challenging myself on all different fronts. This means saying yes more than no (but in, like, a smart way, not like the “Oh, YES, I will eat three more chocolate chip cookies” way), this means not always taking the easy way out, this means NO EXCUSES, this means staying up past 9PM to get shit done, this means being uncomfortable and overwhelmed (but in, like, a healthy way), this means knowing that I will make mistakes and own them, this means that by the end of December, I will be able to look back and think, “Hey. I actually did something!” and–Okay, okay. You get it. But like, I just wanted to let you know really quickly that I’ve already taken on a bunch of stuff that I totally wouldn’t have taken on last year, so it’s all starting off well or maybe not, because like, maybe this is all a big mistake–wait, stop. I’m done. I promise. Seriously. I just wanted to say, I can do this, so you can do this, so bring it on, but please be nice. Deal? Hello? Okay…